It’s been a great day so far. We spoke to the doctors this morning and she had all positive things to say about his improvements. He is breathing better, they are upping his feeds every 8 hours and he is tolerating well, and his vitals look great. We also discussed his transfer plans for tomorrow. Still hoping the hospital I delivered at has beds that come available in the morning, but our black up plan is to move to the private hospital in the morning. Things change by the minute around here though so we will see if it actually happens.
I got lots of good cuddles with Rex today which is nice. Still so difficult to hold your baby and constantly have to adjust his placement so his monitors pick up accurately. There is no walking around with him. There is no rocking him. There is one option. Sit in one certain chair, extremely close to the cot so the cords reach, and hold him. Oh and hold him for a minimum of an hour each time because “if they go through the effort to take him out, you need to hold him for a while”. Which don’t get me wrong, I want to hold him all day. However, you have to be prepped to hold him. I have to make sure I’m not hungry, not thirsty, have gone to the bathroom, and that I haven’t drank too much recently that I will need to go again soon. Also have to make sure I’m wearing something comfortable and the first position I put him in is comfortable because it’s difficult to make moves unless the nurse comes to assist due to something wrong with one of his many wires. So then you sit. You enjoy the quality time with your baby, but the exhaustion sets in as you look at a wall full of cords and a glass wall with other NICU babies on the other side. But then you’re scared to close your eyes because you’re being watched. Your every move is being watched by strangers who only touch your baby with blue latex gloves and hand him to you like he is a dog that has rabies. The nurses constantly come over because his respiration rate is not picking up on the screen which sends out a big alarm constantly until it starts picking up again. So then they come help him move…. again…
I also realized today that although I have heard whimpers and little times of frustration from him, he doesn’t really cry. They say he doesn’t have the energy to cry yet. But as I listen to the baby next to us cry as I’m holding Rex sleeping peacefully, I long for him to cry! (Remind me of that when he’s home in a few months crying at 2 am). Over an hour flies by and I’m still holding him. My arm a little numb, but he’s sleeping so peaceful and hasn’t made a peep. At one point he opened his eyes for 2 seconds then closed them right back. I long for him to have the energy to cry, to tell me when he’s hungry, to tell me he has a dirty diaper, but instead he just lays on me sound asleep with a blue line on his diaper that that indicates his diaper is definitely dirty and he just lays here asleep with not a care in the world.
Just as I was worried earlier in the day that he didn’t have energy even to cry, he got all wound up during his feed this afternoon. For those that don’t know, he’s currently being tube feed. This involves a big syringe with breast milk with the top open as we let gravity just kinda pull the milk into his stomach. Well today he got very agitated during the feed. He had kicked off his pulse oxygen reader on his foot, was pulling out his oxygen and when I was trying to fix his oxygen, he pulled the feeding tube and caused 5 mLs of breast milk to spill all over the crib. Although I might have slightly been upset about losing some breast milk I’ve been working so hard for with every lactation tea and herb I can find, I was also excited just to see him being a little active. His eyes were open and he was already creating Wiesner mischief which I LOVE!